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Wednesday, April 7, 2010 - 9:49 AM

waking up on the wrong side of bed

I finally really understand what that feels like now.. although technically speaking one side of my bed is against the wall so I can only get up from the left side.. but that's besides the point.. I just got up today feeling HORRIBLE.. not the pissed of at nothing in particular mood.. but the depressed about nothing in particular mood..

it's like something is eating me from the inside and I'm feeling consumed.. like some necrosis is going on and I stop it.. I think I need a hug.. haven't had a heartfelt hug in a long time.. it's probably something difficult to come by when family is far away, and you feel like you need to tread carefully near the friends around you, for fear of talking too much or crossing some boundary you cannot cross.. it sucks.. to not have what grey's anatomy calls "your people".. your people who will stand by you when you cut your patient's LVAD wire.. your people who will stand by you when a loved one passes away and all you feel like doing is lying on the toilet floor all day.. and they'll lie on the toilet floor all day with you.. your people who will stand by you when you're pms-ing and saying mean things that you don't mean to everyone around you..

or even "your person".. that'll be sufficient..

so yes, how do you keep that balance? being close enough with people so that you're not distant.. but yet not get too close that you invade into their personal space.. well I wanted to have just one person to be close to.. but I've long ago learnt that it is impossible.. and the problem with having people instead of person is that someone's always bound to be angry with someone and you'll always be bound to be distant to someone and having miscommunication or lack of communication with someone at some point in time..

I guess my question should be. how do you rid yourself of that need of having your people or your person.. since it's such an impossibility to get it, the only way around it is to not need it..

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