why do people like to judge so much?

why don't people just mind their own business?

why do people only remember to appreciate others only for a maximum of 2 weeks?

why is it that after 2 weeks everything goes back to square one?

why is there no love just no freaking bit of love here?

why was I so stupid?

why did I not believe mum when she said this were bound to happen some day?

saddddddd.....

now we worry about:

whether there'll be enough meat in the refrigerator to last the week

whether we should buy the home brand peanut butter which is 2 bucks cheaper than the kraft's peanut butter but may not taste as nice

what time to start cooking so that we don't have to fight for the kitchen with housemates

whether to move in and stay with not-so-good friends somewhere near to school or to move in with good friends somewhere far away

whether the plaster on the ceiling is about to collapse due to the damaged roof from the hailstorm and water accumulation from the previous rains

whether you'll have a place to stay tomorrow if the ceiling does fall down

.

.

.

.

.

and the list goes on..

and that's on top of worrying about your studies where what you know or don't know is not going to simply have an effect on your report card but also on people's lives as well.

and what I've gotten out of these continuous stream of how things can go wrong is a revelation. that home's always the best. your family is your people. sure, you've got your friends and they can do many things for you. some can almost pluck a star from the sky if you ask. some can walk you home when you don't feel like walking home alone. some will fetch you home when it's too dark to walk. some will drive you around, feed you and give you clothes to wear but not ask for a single cent in return. some will comfort you and waste their time listening to you talk about what's bothering you (even if that's the third time in the day that you're doing it), some will take you in when the ceiling in your room collapses, etc etc etc. but they're still your friends. they can't buy you a car when you need one. they can't disrupt their own living arrangements and move out to a new place with you when your ceiling collapses. they can't do everything. unlike your family.

but that's what we have to learn while living away from home. how to live and survive even when you're far away from your people. at home, when ceiling falls down, parents call and pay money to repair. when internet goes down, parents call to get it fixed. when you're hungry (even in the middle of the night), take some money and walk down to a coffee shop and buy something to eat. you don't have to worry about making simple everyday decisions that can be so difficult to make sometimes. yes like the peanut butter decision I mentioned.

we're spoilt at home. just admit it. the fact that we don't have to worry about the roof above our heads is spoiling enough. the fact that we don't have to worry about what time to go home because there'll always be a bus or train in service to bring us home is spoiling enough.

so tell me why are we of lesser calibre than locally trained students? yes we are not exposed to the local system. the local nuts and bolts. but like how locally trained students can learn, can we not learn as well? we bring back a truckload of life experiences you can NEVER get by staying in the comforts of your home. not even a short 3 weeks (missionary or whatever other purpose you call it) trip to a third world country to help give medical aid or help build houses can give you. I'm not nullifying those life-changing experiences. They're just not as wahhhhh as people make them sound. trying living in those places for maybe 1 year, then come back and talk to me. with your people right next to you, living with you, supporting you, why are you still whining? whining that the money should go to you instead of helping a very small minority of us.

maybe the self-centred mind can only see that. of how things can help me. not how I can help others. and that's precisely the first thing you learn to lose when you have to leave your people and plunge into problems of hailstorm-related flooding houses and leaking ceilings, on your own. that like it or not, you're going to have to think about others, think for others and have others think for you. friends can't do everything but they can definitely do something. the that's-mine-so-give-it-to-me-don't-give-it-to-others mentality won't work. it won't work in the workplace either. especially not in professions when there's supposed to be some kind of a common goal of trying to help humanity and everything else you say in the oath.

home is the best. because it lets us be self-centred selfish beings with no serious repercussions. yes you work with people and you learn work ethics and how to work in a team and all that. but until you've got to LIVE with people and learn all that in every single living hour of your life, don't tell me that we're less deserving than you.

so save your fussing. go save some lives instead.

it's like something is eating me from the inside and I'm feeling consumed.. like some necrosis is going on and I stop it.. I think I need a hug.. haven't had a heartfelt hug in a long time.. it's probably something difficult to come by when family is far away, and you feel like you need to tread carefully near the friends around you, for fear of talking too much or crossing some boundary you cannot cross.. it sucks.. to not have what grey's anatomy calls "your people".. your people who will stand by you when you cut your patient's LVAD wire.. your people who will stand by you when a loved one passes away and all you feel like doing is lying on the toilet floor all day.. and they'll lie on the toilet floor all day with you.. your people who will stand by you when you're pms-ing and saying mean things that you don't mean to everyone around you..

or even "your person".. that'll be sufficient..

so yes, how do you keep that balance? being close enough with people so that you're not distant.. but yet not get too close that you invade into their personal space.. well I wanted to have just one person to be close to.. but I've long ago learnt that it is impossible.. and the problem with having people instead of person is that someone's always bound to be angry with someone and you'll always be bound to be distant to someone and having miscommunication or lack of communication with someone at some point in time..

I guess my question should be. how do you rid yourself of that need of having your people or your person.. since it's such an impossibility to get it, the only way around it is to not need it..