but then, there's a fine line to draw between letting go of our control issues and losing hope. denial always helps. but it does no good at all. denial, distractions and everything we do so that we can turn away from the fact that we are grasping so desperately on to the illusion of control that was never ours to begin with..

I know it's absolutely self-centred. I know it's narrow-minded. but somehow I feel like I'm constantly in stormy seas. I've been paddling to stay afloat for very long already. but the storm doesn't seem to be getting tired. I know I can only keep afloat, try new methods to stay alive and be as happy as possible in the time being. resenting the stormy seas only sucks away the energy that can be better spent trying to stay afloat. but you know, it gets tiring. lactic acid builds up. and you need time to recover a bit before you can be ready for the next storm. but my storm doesn't do hiatuses. and I really need to outlast it. I can't get emotional because there's only so much reserve left in me.

I need a float. even if it's the kiddy kind that you wrap around your arms. anything helps. and I know people have been throwing me lifebouys. they've seen me struggling. they can't save me, because it's my storm to ride out. but they're doing their best to keep me alive. but why does my storm seem so strong. that I'm sinking deep even with my efforts and the lifebouys.

I can only pray. that either the storm dies down soon. or that I can be saved and pulled out from these harsh waters soon.

do You hear our pleas? stop her sufferings. heal her. please.

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