Thursday, January 28, 2010 - 10:32 AM
a desperate plea for help
what do you do when you don't know what to do?
I wonder how I managed to get over those previous cases. I can't even remember how it was like anymore. what did I do? how many times did I cry, think I got over, then cry again, then think I got over, then cry again. until the cycle slowly faded away. why does this time feel so difficult? everytime when I'm about to let go, something stops me. and I'll make a desperate grab for that last thread. is it really more difficult than before? or have I just forgotten how painful it was in the past?
and I don't know who to tell anymore. because even I'm tired of listening to myself, much less the rest of the world. and it's really bad. because I just lapse into spontaneous-tearing episodes once every now and then. I guess it's so sad to see what this has become. what we have become. was it my fault? I really don't know. what I do know. is that familiar tightness in my chest again. and I get the feeling like I can't breathe properly. then I realise my clogged up nose from the backflow of tears I'm trying to control.
maybe it's due to the memories. which is what's different. before, there were no memories to speak of. it was just me me me all the way. but then now, there were quite a number of "us". until he suddenly decided to abandon me in antartica. ok sorry. bad, lousy analogy. what I meant was until he suddenly decided to cold shoulder me. forgive the bad analogy but that was really what it felt like. a moment there was someone caring for me, concerned about my life and everything, and then it was gone. like some magic trick you know. now you see it, now you don't.
and somehow I feel it's my fault. but I don't even know what? maybe he thinks I'm taking him for granted? maybe I wasn't there when I should have been? maybe I shouldn't have fallen sick? maybe I shouldn't have done a million things that I did? or maybe I should have done a million things that I didn't do? oh my goodness. what should I do?
and I thought ok maybe I'll stop being a watcher and waiter and start being a doer. so I stood up and tried. pokety poke. but then what I got felt like a splash of water on paper. so what do I do now? do you continue to clap even when the other hand is no longer there?
I don't want to be sad anymore. life's too short for that. but how do I get out of this? what do I do now that I've followed from my tropical rainforest to antartica? and now he's nowhere in sight. I don't know where to go.
can you tell me? can you help me?
somebody?
anybody.
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