Thursday, December 31, 2009 - 12:53 AM
I turn to you
I keep listening to Note To God. and the more I listen, the more it hits me. hard in the face. and I keep questioning. where are You? can You stop all the pain? can You come and tell me that everything is going to be alright?
you know. it's that feeling. like your shoulders have become the heaviest things in the world. no you can't just say "you can't do anything so don't think too much about it" and just watch on. not when it involves a part of you. I guess you can when it's someone else's. but not when it's your own.
there's so much anger in me I don't even know how to express it. it's like I've resigned myself to this fate. but yet I'm angry that I have to. I want to fight back. but I don't have the strength anymore. and this would only be a losing battle. because our fate was never ours to choose. and you know what? you can never fight the injustice of fate. you can only suffer it. and hope that one day. one day. it might be different.
cruel, isn't it? it pains to even watch a stray cat writhing in pain on the corner of the dark alley. much more to see a fellow human being. someone you love so dearly. you wish you could be the shield. you wish you could take their place and be the one suffering instead. but no. you were fated to watch.
watch and feel the pain of it all. on top of the pain of being able to do absolutely NOTHING.
that's the wonderful world You created. go figure.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009 - 11:51 PM
note to God
you know I've come to hate the world. so much so that I think I don't want to have children in future. less they are forced to be put through all the sufferings that we are going through now, without even a right to say that they don't want to. it's a vicious cycle. and it's got to stop somewhere.
it pains to go through the sufferings. it pains to watch as well. watch helplessly as your loved ones are put through torture after torture. torment after torment. watch them cry to God for mercy. watch them moan in pain. and then you wonder. where is He?
and you stop telling people. because you know deep down in your heart, that people don't understand, and that all they can offer is some superficial words of consolation. it's not their fault. they just don't know what to say.
but then occasionally you get some warmth somewhere. a friend who tells you, contrary to what you think, you're not a burden at all. she wants to know. she wants to be able to listen when you feel like telling. she wants to wipe your tears away when you need to cry. she wants to hold you when need to be held. even if she can't, she wants to. and that's enough I guess. that's warmth enough right there.
jaded as I might be. sometimes, that's just all you need to stop you from becoming ice.
if only I could just write a note to God. and ask Him. when will this all end?
__________________________
If I wrote a note to God
I would speak what's in my soul
I'd ask for all the hate to be swept away
For love to overflow
If I wrote a note to God
I'd pour my heart out on each page
I'd ask for war to end
and for peace to mend this world
I'd say
I'd say
I'd say
Give us the strength to make it through
Help us find love, cause love is overdue
And it seems like so much is going wrong
On this road we're on
If I wrote a note to God
I'd say please help us find a way
End all the bitterness, put some tenderness
in our hearts
I'd say
I'd say
I'd say
Give us the strength to make it through
Help us find love, cause love is overdue
And it looks like we haven't got a clue
Need some help from you
Grant us the faith to carry on
Give us hope when it seems all hope is gone
Cause it seems like so much is going wrong
On this road we're on
No
No
We can't do it on our own
So
So
(Give us the strength to make it through
Help us find love, cause love is overdue)
And it looks like we haven't got a clue
Need some help
Grant us the faith to carry on
Hope when it seems all hope is gone
Cause it seems like so much is going wrong
On this road we're on
No
No
(No)We can't do it on our own
(So)
So
If I wrote a note to God
I would speak what's in my soul
I'd ask for all the hate to be swept away
For love to overflow
If I wrote a note to God
I'd pour my heart out on each page
I'd ask for war to end
and for peace to mend this world
I'd say
I'd say
I'd say
Give us the strength to make it through
Help us find love, cause love is overdue
And it seems like so much is going wrong
On this road we're on
If I wrote a note to God
I'd say please help us find a way
End all the bitterness, put some tenderness
in our hearts
I'd say
I'd say
I'd say
Give us the strength to make it through
Help us find love, cause love is overdue
And it looks like we haven't got a clue
Need some help from you
Grant us the faith to carry on
Give us hope when it seems all hope is gone
Cause it seems like so much is going wrong
On this road we're on
No
No
We can't do it on our own
So
So
(Give us the strength to make it through
Help us find love, cause love is overdue)
And it looks like we haven't got a clue
Need some help
Grant us the faith to carry on
Hope when it seems all hope is gone
Cause it seems like so much is going wrong
On this road we're on
No
No
(No)We can't do it on our own
(So)
So
If I wrote a note to God
________________________________________
Wednesday, December 23, 2009 - 5:23 PM
have you ever felt this way before? where you haven't reached the end of a game, but you kind of have a hunch that you're losing already? and what's next becomes just half-hearted trudging along.. you want to "end game". but you still haven't lost for sure. yet you're not really focused on it anymore either. because you know somehow that you're going to lose.
what you need, is a good distraction. start a new kind of game. or you just stop playing games altogether.
that's probably a better choice. they say, "always play to win". but I'm just not the kind who likes to or is able to play games. that's why I will always lose.
because I put too much heart into it.
damn it.
and I paid it with my dignity. yet again.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009 - 11:08 PM
if I were a boy.
When you lose the one you wanted.
'Cause he's taking you for granted.
And everything you had got destroyed.
_____________________________
But you're just a boy.
You don't understand.
How it feels to love a girl.
Some day you wish you were a better man.
You don't listen to her.
You don't care how it hurts.
Until you lose the one you wanted.
'Cause you're taking her for granted.
And everything you had got destroyed.
But you're just a boy.
Friday, December 18, 2009 - 11:07 PM
safe?
How many times can the heart break. before it decides it's had enough?
How many times can you cry before you run dry?
I want to have faith also.
But sometimes, I just falter.
Sometimes, the strong facade falls apart.
And I just long for something to lean against.
Even if it's just for a minute or two.
But I know I can probably never find that.
Live with it.
I know.
Saturday, December 12, 2009 - 7:02 PM
Pairs.
The similarity between earrings, socks, mittens. They come in pairs. And it sucks to lose one of them. You either have both or you lose both.
This is just went through my mind when I was going through my earring collection and chanced upon my favorite earring. I still have no idea how I lost one of them. Because it was just one day when I was going to remove my earrings and I realised I only had one on. So it must have fallen out somewhere.
You still have it with you. You still can't forget about it. You still love it. But it's just useless already and you can't wear it anymore. But yet you can't bear to simply get rid of it. Even if you know it's impossible to find the lost other side.
That's kind of like many things in life. It's sometimes like hope too. There's a bit of it. Not enough to prove anything. But yet you can't give it all up. Because we like to hold on to hope. No matter how uncertain it can be. We like to hold on to mirages. And maybe one day, we can will them to life.
Sunday, December 6, 2009 - 6:31 PM
We.
Human beings. We're all the same, really. Our inherent characters evolved from the same origins. So how different can we be? Our apparent differences are but slight variations of the same similarities. And underneath that mirage of variation, is really a pattern. That’s why people come up with intelligent classification of human personalities such as horoscopes. So, as ridiculous as it sounds, the world MAY indeed be made up of 12 major personalities after all.
For one, most of us do not know what we want. The only difference is that some people admit it, while others don’t. Some people realise it, some don’t. And many, until the day they die, may never be entirely sure of it either. The saddest of all, would be those who die without realising that they’ve lived in utter cluelessness. It’s like being tone-deaf. Because it’s no big deal to sing out of tune. But you know it’s a gone case when you sing out of tune and you have absolutely no idea.
But just that pitchy singing is nowhere as serious a matter as living a life being clueless about your cluelessness. What a sad, sad life. Thinking you know yourself inside out, only to find out at some point when it’s too late, that you’re not who you always thought you were. Or rather, who you always HOPED you were.
And then, there is also our selfishness. Yet another of our common innate survival characteristics. And similarly, the only difference would be those who admit it and those who go to their graves denying it. Among the second group, you can further subdivide it into subgroups of those who simply live in blissful ignorance of their own selfishness but mind their own business, and those who also live in the same blissful ignorance but choose to make a great racket over other people’s selfishness. For the latter group, let’s just forgive them. They just NEED to take attention away from their own insecurities. But still, to this exclusive group of blissfully ignorant people: Get a grip and face it, we’re ALL selfish!
So I realised, that there’s no need to go any further down the list of other universal human characteristics. Because there are actually only 2 major groups of people in this world. Those who admit it and those who don’t. Of the fact that, like those whom we love to hate and criticize, we’re ALL flawed. IN EVERY SINGLE WAY.
Like those whom we criticize about not knowing what they want, neither do we. (At least they know that they don’t know. Some of us don’t even know that we don’t know. And that’s scary. Quoting Mark Twain, “It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”)
Like those whom we hate for being selfish, so are we. No need to elaborate.
Like those whom we want to strangle for being such a bitch, so are we.
Like all those whose mistakes we can’t wait to point out and correct, we’re actually doing the same thing.
And it goes on.
So please stop. Quit making such a big fuss and just pause to look into the mirror. And I hope you remember what you see.
And for those who don’t: IT’S TIME TO WAKE UP BABY!
Before it’s too late.
Friday, December 4, 2009 - 11:10 PM
Howl's moving castle
I've had enough of running away, Sophie.
And now I've got something I want to protect.
It's you.
________________________________
Watched it before. But it never struck me so much until now. For some reason. So much so that I get the goosebumps several times.
I guess I've just come to know myself much better now. What I want is no longer dictated by what is the most recent korean drama taking the hearts of teenage girls worldwide. For one, I'm not a bubblegum-chewing teenage girl anymore.
Finally I've come to accept that fact. Those teenage years have been like autumn leaves clinging on desperately to their branches, refusing to let go of their last bit of life, before they resentfully bid their last farewells and fall to the ground. It's sad, isn't it? To see something, once so filled with energy, wither to nothingness. But those bare branches are welcoming another kind of beauty. The old leaves die in order for the new ones to grow. After the cold winter, new flowers bloom. An explosion of colours, awaiting the new cycle to begin.
Now I know. Now I finally know. But then, there's going to be more to learn.
But in the meantime, it's protection. That's what I have been looking for.