Wednesday, November 25, 2009 - 10:59 PM
worth it or not?
sometimes, ignorance is bliss. sometimes, after knowing, we realise it's better not to know.
that's what I feel after reading your blog. and realising that all I see has been a facade. attempting to hide all the unhappiness and resentment gurgling underneath. not that I never knew. not that I never picked it up. but I believed you when you denied. I believed you when you said you really cared.
B always told me to follow my gut instincts. our inherent animalistic capability. more primitive and underdeveloped compared to our intellectual capabilities. but so much more accurate it's scary.
and it pains me. to read your blog. my pride has stopped me from admitting this fact. even to myself. but that's the truth. because when I read it, I feel like I don't know you at all. almost like it's 2 different people I'm dealing with. and sometimes, I feel injustice. I want to give my side of the story. I want to have a say in this. but no. seems like I don't have the right to do that. maybe it's your way of revenge. cause me pain in return for the pain I've brought you. and I never wanted to admit this pain. for fear of letting you realise that you've accomplished exactly what you set out to do.
what can I say? you've already set your mind on naming me the protagonist of the story. no matter what I do, I will always be the bad guy. before I had time to realise what's going on, you've just pointed at me and said "you're IT!" so I just take it. what else can I do? guess that's what they call fate.
but I just want to tell my side of the story now.
I thought it was going to go well. I thought you were God-sent. I didn't want to miss out on a guardian angel. but as the days went by, it felt wrong. yes. animalistic gut instincts. don't blame it on any third parties. they might have contributed to a small extent. but the crux of it all was still us.
first came the pressure. like I had some sort of a deadline to meet. almost like there was some kind of sale and I better make up my mind fast or it'll be over. no I didn't like that. with pressure from school and stuff to deal with at home, the last thing I need is more deadlines.
I may not know what I want. but I know what I need. I need a pillar of support. that can calm the raging seas in my heart. and I tried to find that in you. but what I found instead was an equal if not greater uncertainty. it's not your fault. that's just the way things are. I told you about the "baggage". you tried. but it wasn't it. that's all.
when I told you a problem, you responded by telling me about your problem. not that I didn't want to listen. but when it happens once too many times, it tells me you don't really think my problem is really a problem and I'm silly to find it a problem worth mentioning. which many times might be true. but sometimes I just need an outlet.
and you said too many "I don't know"s. not that I expected you to know everything. but sometimes I just need some external reassurance. even if you didn't know. I'm not stupid. of course I know there are some things you can't possibly humanly know the answer to. but it was unsettling. that you didn't want the responsibility.
so sometimes, I feel like I need to compete with you for your own attention. and I wondered whether I really meant anything to you at all. maybe it just wasn't enough.
nobody faults practicality. no point fighting for something you might not get. invest only in things which you have at least a 95% chance of obtaining. you told me you wanted an answer to know whether it was "WORTH IT". I wanted to ask you, how do you measure what someone is worth. but I already had the answer. the fact that you were wondering whether it was WORTH IT, just simply proved that it probably wasn't. whether something is WORTH IT, doesn't depend on the value that it is worth, but its value to YOU. it's only WORTH IT if you value it enough to make it worth every single effort. when you start wondering whether it's worth it, it's probably not.
so you actually answered your own question. my answer may have been half-hearted as you put it. but you just didn't realise that you already had the answer in your heart. what more can I say? whether it was worth it. that depends on how much you valued this. did it matter whether I had feelings for you? to you it did. because you, like many people, valued things according to stats. according to likelihood of obtaining it. very practical no doubt.
and all these made me realise. you couldn't give me what I needed. and it's unfair to ask anything from you. but maybe I shouldn’t have told you. maybe I should have been a bitch and just lead you on. but that’s not me. I can’t do and say something while feel something else in my heart. I can’t be a freaking hypocrite.
then your attitude towards me changed. 180 degrees. and it just further proved the point that I was not WORTH IT. ok thanks. a fact reiterated enough. I know I KNOW I FREAKING KNOW. but no you’ve got to go on and emphasize it more.
but well I’m ok with that. it’s your choice. if I was never worth it anyway, then that’s just it, isn’t it? just makes me glad that I managed to see that before anything really started. it’s better to find out now then to find out later after something has started. and to think you were so sincere. so sincere you could have fooled yourself even. so I’ve got a “beautiful soul” when you thought there was a possibility for us to have something going on but my soul suddenly turns bad and lousy and selfish after you realise that possibility was becoming smaller and smaller? ooh. what a perspective eh? interesting.
but oh yea I forgot. you've given me my worth a long time ago. I was only worth anything if and only if there was hope between us. oh yes how can I forget that. you remind me all the time. forgive my lousy memory. it's probably as bad as my soul right now.
so there. just before you go on to believe (and try to make the rest of the world believe) that you’ve made a great sacrifice for a very undeserving and unappreciative me, let me just bring you some enlightenment that you wouldn’t even be thinking of what you did as a sacrifice if I was ever, ever, truly worth even ANYTHING to you. you wouldn’t be thinking about whether or not your efforts were appreciated whatsoever if you simply did it because I was worth it.
go on and say what you like. think what you like. but it’s your actions that speak the loudest. and they shout to me “YOU WERE NOT WORTH IT!”
and I’m glad. that although you managed to fool your friends with your sincerity and all that facade. fool yourself even. but you didn’t fool my animalistic gut instinct.
thank goodness for that. saved my ass.
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