Saturday, August 29, 2009 - 9:20 AM
Damn.
I hate being the idiot that I am. I thought I've learnt better. Like seriously. I keep making mistakes that I've made before. And I saw it coming but I just couldn't or didn't do anything about it. I thought I've locked up that part long ago. I've been doing fine for 1 year! An entire year! And I had to break that clean record with something like this! Damn it. I have no idea what got into me. But this is just so frustrating. But the thing is nobody will get it. You'll think that I am being dao. When really I'm just trying to salvage the situation. And stop it from getting worse. Before it reaches the point where I can really do nothing about it. It's that vicious cycle again. And I can even pinpoint the exact event that sparked all these. It wasn't a "somehow it just started and I don't really know when." It's funny how 1 week can change the world. I hate it.
Saturday, August 1, 2009 - 5:10 PM
Yet another new start
It's the second week of arriving in Perth for the fourth time.. For some reason, homesickness struck a bit harder this time as compared to previously.. Maybe it's due to the reluctance to accept the difficult reality that one of the shittiest semester has just begun.. But well, I'm sure the next few will just be worse..
And maybe, I think I've learnt to truly love my family.. As funny as it may sound, I think that only this holidays, was I able to really put them ahead of myself.. If something was lying around untidied, I would WANT to do something about it so that I can reduce what everyone has to do as much as possible.. in the past, I'll do it when asked to do so.. unwillingly sometimes, willingly sometimes.. but not now.. the day before I left, mum told me to just concentrate on packing and enjoying the last day I have.. But I really felt like I wanted to do as much as I can while I was still there back home.. I no longer had the mentality that I was self-sacrificial, or a wonder-kid by helping out at home.. I started to want to do those chores and didn't mind nobody noticing.. and despite everyone's occasional flaws and mistakes, I realised I barely had many angry moments.. I was truly happy simply for their company..
not sure what happened to cause such a change in me though.. maybe the love for my family has matured within me.. we all love our family and friends.. but such love takes time and trials to mature and bear fruit in our THOUGHTS and ACTIONS.. to be able to do something for someone means nothing if it's not done willingly from the heart.. the love is there.. it just hasn't ripened yet.. to do something and then grumble about it, that plays by the same principles..
Apart from some drama happening now and then, life here has been otherwise monotonous.. As I look back at the previous semesters, I feel that I have grown.. this growth was a result of numerous dramas, painful falls, heartache, and events which can sometimes still be so embarrassing that I wish I could undo it somehow.. but nope, they were crucial in the learning and growing process.. I'm glad that there are much less drama now.. but who knows, maybe one is brewing right now, waiting for its turn..
Nonetheless, it's time to get back to work.. enough musing for today.. =)