Tuesday, February 3, 2009 - 7:00 PM
Looking Back
I've been thinking... which is something I haven't been doing much of in the last 2 months... but over the past few days, as I reflect on my dismally unproductive holidays, I feel the past coming back to haunt me...
The question that has plagued me for so long - "To stay there or to come back?" I really don't know. I've always been one who likes to be up on my feet, pushed by an adequate amount of pressure. But unknowingly, studying in Perth for close to 1 year, exactly what I was afraid of happened. I have actually gotten used to that pace of life. So much so that I thought I was enjoying myself, have forgotten all about that adrenaline rush addiction that I have. That sense of accomplishment that comes after completing a mountainload of things under the pressure of time.
Such uncertainties pertaining to my future. Do I want the slower paced life that one can so easily get used to. Or the fast paced stress-driven adrenaline-pumping lifestyle that I always had an inexplicable addiction for.
These have all the more triggered some regrets which are still nagging at me from the back of my mind. Regret is one of the most useless emotions in the world. It does not help the current situation but yet has the wonderful power of consuming you. And I refuse to let it affect me that way. So I hate to regret anything. I hate "if-only"s. I move on. Accept reality and the cruel fact that life doesn't always turn out the way we hope it to.
But as I come face to face with my delimma, that frustrating sense of regret comes back to say hello. If only I had done better during my NUS medicine interview. If only I obtained those qualities that the interviewers were looking for (or so they claimed). If only I wrote a more impressive essay. If only I wasn't stupid enough to believe it when they said that they are simply looking for sincerity and real passion. And that is enough for the chain reaction of if-onlys.............
If all these had happened, and I am studying medicine in NUS, I would have been spared the regular feeling of guilt of ripping my family's financial resources to feed my ambition... and also spared the delimma I face...
Forgive me if I am a bad case of a walking contradiction. On one hand I know that I would not be who I am today, had I not have the chance to go overseas and experience so many things. On the other hand, I resent the fact that I have to learn such lifeskills through such a winding path. Couldn't I just have POSSESSED them? instead of having to GAIN them? Which also brings me to another question - Are doctors born or made?
I have gained much insight over the last 2 years. More than ever before. Insight about the realities of life, about my strengths and weaknesses, etc etc. Valuable insights. And as I confront my weaknesses, I have also gained strong determination to improve on them, motivated by my failed medical interview. Something I never want to happen anymore.
What a great price to pay.
And I can't help but feel a slight sense of belonging-to-nowhere. Not being in the Singapore system, I feel inept when plunged into it. And not being a grow-up-in-Aussie-land, I feel uncertained about whether I can have the kind life I always wanted there.
But well, that's enough whining. Blogging about this has helped me feel better. No, it hasn't cleared the delimma and guilt. But it has definitely helped push these aside for the time being.
I paid a high price (or should I say my parents did) to learn. I don't want to ruin anything anymore.
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Post a CommentAt February 3, 2009 at 10:11 PM,
Zhairler said…
yes life has many dilemmas and regrets but i think you've to realize that this happens to everyone and we can't stop all these
god made everyone different
it's just that you were path-ed to experience life this way?
but think carefully, turn to him and i suppose he'll give you an answer one of these days, maybe now, soon or somewhere down the road
cheer up and make gd use of all that you've been given so that your parents know it's a worthwhile investment =)
At February 7, 2009 at 9:15 PM,
. said…
why dont you do both? like work in both countries?
At March 1, 2009 at 1:41 AM,
Anonymous said…
no pt looking back. look forward and advance
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